 | Conás atá tú? | Dec 3, 2006 |
 All are welcome here except Spammers, Stalkers and Bigots of any variety, Fanatics, Barristers , Solicitors, Real estate agents, PC Brigadistas and other forces of Darkness and purveyors of discontent in general.....all of the aforementioned shall be eaten without salt, regurgitated and buried in unconsecrated ground..., Those that survive are however invited to my funeral to dance on my grave,...I am getting buried at Sea.. I hope you enjoy my ramblings, I have a warped sense of humour at times, so if you are of an easily offended disposition these may not be the pages for you. From time to time I post music for my contacts and friends to listen to, and not to any commercial end, a lot of the Photos here are taken by myself and all are welcome to them, any that I have liberated from elsewhere I try to provide a link to that site and or credit the site where I found them,Most of all I hope ye enjoy what you may find here as life's too short for moaning and smiling is contagious .... Now back to my eternal struggle with the evil entity that is Vista, a.k.a Satans Mother in-Law ..... Feel free to comment , I don't bite... the exception being on Full Moons... but that's another story ...... :)   Lord, protect me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies. --Voltaire  Greetings from storm tossed Ireland 
Not recommended ... 
So that's how they do it ....... 
Alternatively get your ears cleaned ...:P The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to 'clean
up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him
in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said to
John, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. Just as he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'
HAPPY THANKSGIVING to our American friends!
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in thecage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.� An old couple are sitting in a Bar one night reminiscing.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where
you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.
“Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll
around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a
chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence.
I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple
walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally,
they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old
lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans
against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and
screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old
age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet
and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that
wasn’t a fucking electric fence.” THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes. The Bottle of Wine For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked! down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade." "How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute." "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!" After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. A subject I normally avoid.............But who could resist posting this :P  And this.......   | Yes :P | Nov 4, '07 4:27 PM
for everyone |
Look before you leap.... .  An American GI, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was right next to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your Cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." .  .  | HISTORY | Nov 3, '07 10:55 AM
for everyone |
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says... "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women." | D'oh ! | Nov 3, '07 10:43 AM
for everyone |
A blonde young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you way on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."  | Guestbook | |
 |
I love your wit! Will visit often. Found you on Stumble Upon, am still laughing my ass off!
Urchyn |
 |
I need to talk having dark thoughts not wanting to go on this pain is unbearable afraid of hurting myself |
 |
I wish you all: A Happy New Year 2008 and may God bless you always.
Nico |
 |
getcher ass back online, boyo! ;) lol
happy yule, ye fool! :O |
|
hahahahaha
i sent ye a pm for yer day, boyo, guess ye dinna see it? |
 |
Hope you have a wonderful Birthday John, many happy returns. (I'd add a pic but i don't know how!) |
 |
Happy Birthday John, I'll clink a glass or two for you tonight..or as soon as i get out of my office !
Cheers & Peace !
Keep the faith, keep safe, stay healthy and keep the twist ! |
 |
Ei! You've got a really funny page. I enjoyed visiting! Thanks. |
|
advanced Greetings for the 1st of December celebration...please pass the chips !!!! |
 |
wonderfully twisted, I like that in a person, thanks for some great laughs, I needed that |
 |
You are welcome here any time , John |
 |
Great site...great jokes!
Shall pass by here more often.
John |
| |
